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“Spent” perhaps the perfect word to describe most of us at the moment. We wake up in the morning groggy and need coffee or something sugary to get going. Then we need more of the same later in the day.
“Some people define desire in biological or cultural terms. For me, desire is to own the wanting. To desire something is to say, “I want.” For that, there needs to be an “I” that has the right to want, is entitled to want, is deserving to want, has the self-worth to give permission for “I want.” Plus, the knowledge of what you want. Desire is really a fundamental expression of freedom and sovereignty—as in identity.” – Esther Perel
“Spent” perhaps the perfect word to describe most of us at the moment. We wake up in the morning groggy and need coffee or something sugary to get going. Then we need more of the same later in the day. Our brain feels foggy; we’re not sleeping well, our body aches, our cold just sort of simmers and never goes away; and our sex drive is down. Many of us are running on empty, our energy is tapped, we are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Juggling work, finances and families with uncertainty about the future as well as a constant onslaught of comparison on social media, means it’s no great surprise that we might not have as much energy for sex as we once did.
In a happy relationship, there must be balance, with intimate moments that bond us together.
It’s easy to crawl into bed night after night and feel too tired for sex. Is it really just tiredness though? What does it mean when we say we’re too tired for sex? In truth, we are often masking the real reasons we feel disinterested.
When our libido’s take a nose dive, we often worry that we have that a physical illness, but most often, it’s not the case. A build-up of tension, along with anger and resentment, often reaches the bedroom, with disagreements, a lack of trust and poor communication eroding intimacy.
Our jam-packed schedules chip away at sacred personal time, everyone needs personal space, time to process our own thoughts and emotions. When this is lacking, our minds become overcrowded, increasing our stress level. Stress triggers our sympathetic nervous system, so we are constantly living with ‘fight, fright or flight’ leaving our bodies preparing for danger, not sex!
For or me, desire is to own the wanting. To desire something is to say, “I want.”
Add the debilitating issue of performance anxiety to this and Houston we have a problem. We worry about losing an erection or finishing too quickly or that may we may not be in the mood for sex and will have to grin and bear through it. It’s hard to have open conversations with our partner about where we are emotionally, what we need and what our fears are, so often we choose to avoid sex altogether.
A Few More Intimacy Gremlins |
Sleep Deprivation |
The world seems to be conspiring to make us late to bed and unable to drift off easily. Getting enough sleep is essential for good physical and mental health. Sleep deprivation increases our risk of anxiety and depression, which are both strongly associated with loss of libido.
Prioritise your sleep habits and environment and your intimate life will reap the benefits.
Depression |
A loss of sexual desire commonly occurs alongside depression. Depression makes us feel tired and lacking in energy. When we are depressed, we don’t get the same pleasurable rewards from things we normally enjoy, from eating food, to reading a book and yes, even having sex.
Seek help and support whether you are diagnosed with depression or just feeling overwhelmed, you don’t need to suffer in silence, and your sex life requires self care and good mental health.
Hormone Imbalance & Your Medication |
A loss of libido isn’t often linked to a hormonal abnormality. However,
hypothyroidism (an underactive thyroid gland) or premature ovarian failure (early menopause) can wreak havoc with our sex drive.
Hormonal changes at menopause can also cause libido issues. Have the conversation with your doctor.
Many commonly prescribed drugs can lower libido, such as antidepressants, antipsychotics, beta blockers and statins.
Juggling work, finances and families with uncertainty about the future as well as a constant onslaught of comparison on social media, means it’s no great surprise that we might not have as much energy for sex as we once did.
Differing Sex Drives |
It’s perfectly normal for one partner to have a higher sex drive, leaving one person unsatisfied, while the other person may be giving in to pressure and having sex when they don’t feel the need. This can create resentment and tension.
Talking to your partner about sex is vital, a safe space where compromise and vulnerability are encouraged needs to be cultivated. Agreeing on a schedule and some ground rules can work wonders.
Your Sleep Environment |
A clean and calm bedroom will help you feel in the mood. Good quality linens create a welcoming bed and a feeling of sensual luxury. Gentle lighting and a wonderfully scented natural soy candle can also help to set the scene.
Sex is said to be the lifeblood of any long-term relationship. In order to protect this intimacy, you need to treat each other with respect and prioritise affection.
Make time to do fun things together that have nothing to do with the bedroom. Think about what you enjoyed when you first met. It’s important to laugh and deepen your friendship through shared experiences.
Dress up, make your bed beautifully with fine Reed linens,open a bottle of wine, play some music and enjoy lots of unhurried sex!
Dare to put yourself first,
Karen Reed
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